How to Be a Footballer, Paperback

You become a soccer player because you love soccer. And then you are a soccer player, and you're suddenly in the strangest, most baffling world of all. A world where one teammate comes to training in a bright red suit with matching top-hat, cane, and glasses, without any actual glass in them, and another has so many sports cars they forget they have left a Porsche at the train station. Even when their surname is incorporated in the registration plate. So walk with me into the dressing-room, to find out which players refuse to touch a soccer ball before a game, to discover why a load of millionaires never have any shower gel, and to hear what Cristiano Ronaldo says when he looks at himself in the mirror. We will go into post-match interviews, make fools of ourselves on social media, and try to ensure that we never again pay far too much for a haircut that should have cost ten bucks. We'll be coached and cajoled by Harry Redknapp, upset Rafa Benitez, and be soothed by the sound of an accordion played by Sven-Goran Eriksson's assistant Tord Grip. There will be some very bad music and some very bad decisions. I am Peter Crouch. This is How To Be A Footballer. Shall we?

Peter Crouch has been a professional soccer player for 20 years, has earned 42 England caps, has scored more than 100 Premier League goals, and holds the record for the most headed goals in Premier League history. He is the author of Walking Tall.